Why I believe HIM not HER


In case you are completely out of touch with the news, this is in regards to the allegations Dr. Ford has made against Judge Kavanaugh.

Being a child and having a grown man do unspeakable things to you does more than remove your trust in humanity, it completely eliminates YOUR will to want to live. You become ashamed of who you are because you allowed it to happen to yourself. All the while you know that you let it happen to you because you knew that if it was happening to you, at least for that moment, it was not happening to your family member that was laying in the bed. It is not something that will ever leave your memory. Every single detail of that night is scorched into my memory to the point that I am positive that is I develop memory loss, that will be the only thing I can remember.

That night I remember the powder blue and white double wide trailer in a trailer park that was designed as a retirement village for elder folks. I remember the sliding glass door that we walked in through and taking that left turn down the hall to the room we would be spending the night in. I remember the bed being propped up on milk crates with a piece of plywood under the mattress. I remember opting to sleep on the floor that night. the smell of the all feather pillow that i used. I remember the moment I was woken up by the feeling of his hands on me. I remember the feeling of his mustache on my face as he tried to kiss me, the fear that went through me as he removed my pants. I remember every disgusting thing that man did to me that night. I remember hiding myself under the bed as for under it as i could go to escape the possible repeat of what had just happened. Lastly, I remember the pancake breakfast that we were treated to the next morning before being taken home.

For the reasons above, I cannot bring myself to believe that her accusations to of the Judge are credible by any means. I know for a fact, when something of this nature happens to you, you are scared for life and you cannot, no matter how hard you try, get over that night.

The Acceptance of Rejection!

I know that at some point in our life we have all either been rejected or have rejected someone. I for one have been on both ends of that statement. I have been rejected by so many people in my life and I have done my share of rejecting. I have since become more accepting of things and people and not so quick to reject them. In order for me to reject you, you would have had to do something extreme towards me or my family. I have be fortunate enough to turn my mindset around and give people the benefit of the doubt until they take it upon themselves to fuck it up. I think that one quality I have over so many others is that even if I reject someone or something, it does not exactly mean they are forever shunned. I am a forgiving person and in the same light I believe that people make mistakes and can earn their forgiveness.

Now, this blog is not a way for me to project myself as someone who is better than others at forgiving people who have wronged me or rejected me. Instead this is my way to vent and heal myself from what I believe is my greatest rejection ever.

I have been rejected several times over my life span. Whether it was by girls in middle and high school or if it was by employers that I was seeking employment with. None of them could ever amount to the pain and depression that was caused by this rejection. Many people who know me and knew me while I served in the Marines, knew that I was more proud and gave my life to the Corps. I served honorably, stayed out of trouble and became a damn good leader and mentor to so many junior Marines. I was damn good at my job and excelled in any situation I was placed in. I always did what I had to do and when I had to do it. I know I wasn’t the “PERFECT” Marine by any means, but I was definitely a good Marine. I stood up for what was right and stood against what was wrong. I showed respect where it was warranted and demanded respect I deserved. I never strayed from accepting my faults and I did what I could to improve on myself. I LOVED BEING A MARINE!

Now, my biggest struggle while in the Marines was managing my weight. The Marines have a strict height and weight requirement. After boot camp I began to put on weight and it was a constant battle to loose it. However, every six months when it came to do our weigh-ins I managed to make weight. Except for two instances where I was placed on their body composition program. I know it was my fault. After the second time I made sure i was never over weight for a weigh-in again. Now the thing that really bothered me about this is the method in which the Marine corps takes the body fat measurement. The measure the neck and the waste line do some math and come out with a %. With me being only 5 foot 8 inches it was hard for me to ever have a neck big enough and a waste small enough to be under the BF%. So it was always in my best interest to make the weight requirements. This was made difficult by the fact that I worked, for most of my career, a varying schedule of 10 to 16 hours a day, plus came home to a wife and two kids. So time was somewhat of an issue. It is really disturbing that the people “making sure” the h/w requirements are met are the ones who were sitting behind a computer all day and being able to take an hour and half or two during the work day to go to the gym.

I completed my service to the Marine Corps on July 4th, 2014. That is 12 years, 1 month and 7 days from when I stepped onto the infamous yellow footprints aboard MCRD San Diego. I did not leave the Corps, I was involuntarily separated do not being selected/promoted to E-6 or Staff Sergeant. I completed any and everything I thought would help me get promoted. I never had less than a first class physical fitness score through my entire career. Even while being over weight. I was an expert rifleman with the M-16 for eight out of 12 years. I completed all required correspondence courses and then some. I completed the required residential PME course. I received three Navy and Marine Corps achievement medals. I deployed five times, two of which either ended up in Iraq or were straight to Iraq. I was considered the subject matter expert for two different Marine Corps aircraft in my MOS and in one other. I had every required qualification for my job and was working on or completed qualifications for other shops. Never been NJP’d or court martial-ed. My annual fitness reports were among the highest for my reporting seniors. I had completed community service  and was enrolled in a bachelors degree program. However, none of this was acceptable enough to be promoted because of my weight over 4 years prior.
I found out in August of 2013 that the Marine Corps was not going to let me re-enlist because for the 6th time I had not been selected for promotion. I had almost a year to plan for my getting out. I thought, at the time, I had accepted my fate and was ready to move on. Little did I know what this rejection would do to me mentally. I got out on July 4th, 2014 and shortly after the depression kicked in. I masked it pretty well because that is the type of person I am. I am the strong one, I need to be strong for my wife and for my kids. I cannot be the weak one in this family. I am the one who should be holding us together and making things right.


I have been depressed for the better part of 18 months now. Some of the days are better than the others. Yet I still don’t know how to ask for help from my wife. Am I too prideful? Why can’t I put that aside and ask? It has taken a toll on many things in my life, to include my marriage. I have drifted away from my wife and now we are facing the difficulties of fixing it. I now weight the most i have ever weighed because in my mind and in my heart I don’t believe it matters. I have a great group of friends and family who have told me before and continue to tell me that they are here to talk to me if I need it. However, I can’t muster the courage to do so. Why is that? Why am I so weak that I can’t open up and ask for the help I know I so desperately know I need?

Will I ever be able to accept the biggest rejection of my life? Will I ever overcome this depression that has a hold of me? When will I be able to ask for the help? These are questions I need to answer for myself before I can begin to heal. I have accepted the fact that even if I do manage to heal the scar that remains will be there forever.

Mise En Scene and Actors

In an attempt to keep this blog simple I am going to select three actors from the film Powder Blue that all have the same style of acting. They are; Jessica Biel, Ray Liota and Patrick Swayze. The style of acting that these three would be classified under is method acting. Our text states that “Based on the teachings of Konstantin Stanislavsky and popularized by Lee Strasberg, the Method requires that actors draw on their own memories and experiences to reach the heart of a character, so that they more genuinely feel the emotions they’re portraying instead of just pretending to.” (Goodykoontz & Jacobs, 2014). The reason that I would place all three of these actors in this category is for the many roles they have played in through out their career. They have all at one point played in comedies, drama, mystery and/or gangster films.

Through-out the all the actors have to demonstrate a variety of life events and emotions. There are so many emotions in playing such a roles that having life experiences and knowing some or all of these emotions on an intimate level is the only way to portray them as well as she does. Being able to display these emotions as well as she does helps her connect with the role and allows the audience to have a much more emotional style connection with the film.

Jessica Biel has been in many films that range through out so many genres. I would go ahead and say that even through her television acting days and through to her film day she has always been a method actor. She has always been able to be thrown into a role and play the role flawlessly. According to an article on the movie actors website, Jessica Biel is ” Macho beauty. Jessica has successfully disavowed her “Seventh Heaven” stretch on TV to be the kind of sex symbol you could have a beer with; one who would enjoy your crass jokes and have her own collection as well. She can be the aggressive girlfriend of “Cellular” or “Elizabethtown,” but she seems to work better when she’s the natural athlete next door, the macho gal pal of “Stealth,” “Next” and even “Blade.” But it is the kind of role that she pulled off in “The Illusionist,” magnificently regal yet still independent, that we most appreciate and are most looking forward to seeing next time.”

Goodykoontz, B & Jacobs, C. P. (2014) Film: From Watching to Seeing. Retrieved from: https://content.ashford.edu/books/AUENG225.14.1/sections/copyright

Lee, N. (UNK) The Jessica Biel Review – MovieActors.com; Retrieved from: http://www.movieactors.com/acting-reviews/jessica-biel-review.htm

Sound in Movies!

There are three categories of sound when it comes to movies. Inside these categories there are subcategories. The three main categories are dialogue, sound effects and music. Too simply have only pictures or videos flashing on a screen in front of you would not give you the same effect as if there were one or all three of these categories attached to it. The way that sound helps with a movie is that it gives you that added sense. For example, if you can see an apple and feel an apple but not taste the apple or smell it, how are you going to get the full experience of that apple. The same can be said about a film.

The first category to talk about is dialogue. “Characters talking to one another in films, known as dialogue, is now so much a part of the movie experience that audiences take it for granted. But creating scenes in which characters talk to one another as they do in real life is no easy task.“. (Goodykoontz & Jacobs, 2014) Your dialogue is what helps establish most of the movie. Try communicating something to a friend or family member without talking to them. This is something that is difficult, now imagine in a film, having to portray a character or establish a theme or plot without a dialogue. Nearly impossible. 

The next category is sound effects. These are used to help enhance the experience within the film. Over the years sound effects of greatly improved. Through the advancement in technology we are able to harness much more clear and realistic sounds as well as combining sounds to get the perfect sound for the effect needed. Sound effects important in this age of films because they allow us to get a sense of the surrounding and everything that is going on.

The last category is music. Music is arguably the most important thing when it comes to the creation of a film. From the score to the soundtrack, every note has an important role in the film. The score helps with the mood of the scene and the film as a whole. The score you play in a scene can determine how the audience perceives that scene and how they allow them-self to be apart of it.

Powder Blue


In this scene there is a good use of both dialogue and music. The dialogue between the two characters established there feelings and their need to be together although they have just met for the first time. The score is played through out the whole scene. Quietly at first and then it gradually increases until the point where they are hugging and that is where the scene has climaxed as well as the score. There is little to no use of sound effects in the scene. the only sound effects that can be heard are the moving of the chair.

The sounds of the movie help the movie identify as a drama type movie. The way the movie is scored and the dialogue that is used allows us as the audience to become intertwined with the dramatics of the film. The soundtrack used has little to no effect on the genre, rather it only helps enhance some of the scenes.

All the sound effects through out the film were very close to if not all the way realistic. This film did not have a need nor a calling for exaggerated or unexpected sound effects.

The way the scene is written, I feel that you would be able to remove either the dialogue or the score and still have somewhat close to the same feel for the scene. The two sounds only enhance the scene. Neither make the scene any different.


Goodykoontz & Jacobs (2014) Film: From watching to Seeing. Retrieved from:https://content.ashford.edu/books/AUENG225.14.1/sections/sec8.4

robespr (2009) Harsh & Sweet Scene From Powder Blue. Retrieved from: http://www.youtube.com

Week 1 Blog, author Powder Blue (2009)


Powder Blue


Timothy Linh Bui


Timothy Linh Bui


Jessica Biel (Rose-Johnny), Ray Liotta (Jack Doheny), Eddie Redmayne (Qwerty Doolittle), Kris Kristofferson (Randall), Lisa Kudrow (Sally), Patrick Swayze (Velvet Larry), Alejandro Romero (Lexus) and Forest Whitaker (Charlie).


The great thing that Timothy Linh Bui (writer/director) did with this film is that he embedded it with multiple stories. The first and most prominent story is the one for Jessica Biel’s charecter, Rose-Johny. She is a struggling single mother who is an exotic dancer and drug user.  Another story is for Eddie Redmayne’s (Qwert Doolittle). He plays a lonely mortician who falls madly in loved with Jessica Biel’s Character. Forest Whitaker’s character, Charlie, is a depressed and suicidal ex-priest who has lost his wife. Kris Kristofferson plays a crime boss named Randall. Through out the movie he is attempting to convince a former employee, Ray Liotta’s character, of his not to seek out vengeance. Alejandro Romero plays the part of Lexus, a transsexual prostitute, who, through a chance meeting, forms a unique bone with Forest Whitaker’s Character. The last story through out the movie is the one of Ray Liotta’s Character, Jack Dohenny. He plays the dieing, estranged father of Jessica Biel’s character.


The movie starts out with Jack Dehenny, naked and on a beach staring off into the world. It quickly jumps to Charlie driving to his hotel room. This where we first see that he is suicidal and depressed. We also discover as to why when the movie shows a memory of his wife. Then enters Rose-Johnny who is frantically trying to call her son who is in the hospital while she is on a date. She is desperately trying to make the date work but is unsuccessful. It then cuts to Qwerty Doolittle just before he hits and injures the dog of Rose Johnny. He takes the dog home and bandages him up. Jack then meets with his former boss, Kris Kristofferson’s character, for the first time since he was released from prison. Now enters Lexus, played by Alejandro Romero. He is picked up by Charlie and offered money just so he will help him commit suicide.

Once each of the main characters have been introduced the story begins to unfold. It start out by establishing how each character becomes intertwined in the others life. It is sort of a play on the seven degrees of Kevin Bacon game. It slowly develops the different struggles that each character is going through and why they are going through it. Each character in the film plays an important role in one or more of the other characters.

Jack Dehenny (Ray Liotta) spent the last 25 years of his life in prison for a crime he did not commit. He has been told that he is dying from cancer and doesn;t have much time left to live. Before he was in prison he worked for Randall (Kris Kristofferson), a crime boss, who gives him a briefcase full of money to pay for his time lost in prison. Through out the movie Jack is looking for and trying to be apart of his daughters, Rose-Johnny (Jessica Biel), life. He visits the strip club that she dances in several times working up the courage to talk to her and even stalks her during the day. He is doing all this while slowly dying through out the whole film. He struggles with his choices of whether he should tell his daughter who he is. When he finally does work up the courage to tell her she kicks him out of her life.

Rose-Johnny (Jessica Biel) is a mother to a boy who is in the hospital in a coma. She is also a stripper and drug addict who is looking for a way out of the life and a way to help her child. She finds out that her father is Jack Dehenny and freaks out after he tells her. She ends up forming a relationship with Qwerty Doolittle (Eddie redmayne) after he returns her dog that he hit and took care of.

Charlie (Forest Whitaker) is an ex-priest is suicidal and depressed because his wife died because he lost control of his car and wrecked. He spends his time trying to hire people to help him commit suicide. He picks up Lexus (Alejandro Romero) and offers her all is life saving so that she would end his life. He is struggling with his want to die and his religion.

Qwerty Doolittle is a lonely and struggling mortician. He spends his time in the film looking for someone and trying to maintain his business. It is evident that he struggles from an anxiety disorder when it comes to woman. He meets Rose-Johnny and quickly forms feelings for her. He begins to form a relationship with her and starts to fill the loneliness.


The interesting thing about the way the stories are told through out the movie are in both a non-linear but chronological order. The Writer is constantly moving forward in the film but he also is jumping from character to character in order to establish the full story of each of them.

I think that the film would not have worked as well as it did had the director not used this approach. Simply going from a to b would have left gaps in the stories. However, using only non-linear would not have left enough time to establish the full story. the chronological order in which the stories are told helps establish each character and the struggles that they are going through.


Powder Blue (2009). from https://https://pro-labs.imdb.com/title/tt1032819

realeyz.tv – DE (2014) Powder Blue Trailer [Video File]

Retrived from: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EvErEr5hTJc%5B/embed%5D



DISCLAIMER: First off, some of you may be offended or may get upset with me after this. I am okay with that. Second, I do not filter my words, so expect some bad and offensive language. Third, I am in no way racist, prejudice or hold any negative feelings to any one group of people. I simply have an opinion and I want to share it!

I would like to start this one by saying congratulations to all the ACTIVISTS that did their part in getting the Supreme Court to rule for not allowing states to deny same sex marriages! There is still a lot that needs to be done but I believe, and I am sure so many more people do as well, that this is a huge stepping stone for our (I say our because we, STRAIGHT AND GAY, are all in involved with this one way or another) community. Now, my answer to the question in the title; WHO THE FUCK CARES? What does it matter who a person hangs out with or LOVES? Is it that important to you that you have to hate someone for it? How are people so shallow? Let me guess, you’re not shallow; the Bible tells you that it is wrong. Well do you remember the part of the Bible that says:

“You shall not take vengeance, nor bear any grudge against the children of your people, but you shall love your neighbor as yourself: I am the Lord.” Leviticus 19:18

What about the part that says:

“Judge not, and ye shall not be judged: condemn not, and ye shall not be condemned: forgive, and ye shall be forgiven” Luke 12:57.

Did we forget about these? Or is everyone just picking and choosing which rules of the Bible they want to follow in order to better convenience themselves? So now that you have no excuse from the Bible, let us address some other things people say when showing their feelings on gay marriage. I here all the time; it’s just wrong for a man and a man to love each other like that. How is it wrong for a person to love another person? There is no logical explanation for that. They are not causing any harm nor or they being offensive. Here is another one; I was just raised knowing that being gay wasn’t acceptable. So you’re telling me that if you were born in the south when slavery was around you would say the same thing about owning slaves? You would say I was just raised that owning slaves was acceptable? Are you that mush of a sheep that you can’t form an opinion for yourself? That has to be it. Why should ANYONE be restricted to who they are allowed to be in love with and married to? THEY SHOULDN’T BE! OKAY, I am about to reveal a super crazy secret that I am sure a lot of you are not aware of….. Are you ready? I would like it if you would read the next part two or three times so it sinks in a little. Same sex couples are already doing things that other couples are doing! They go on dates, they love each other, they sleep together, and they live together. Hell, they are even adopting children so that they can LOVE them and raise them because someone else could not or would not. OKAY!!! YOU GOT IT? Weird huh? To think they are already doing these things even though they cannot be married in the eyes of the state. You want to know one thing same sex couples are doing that most straight couples are not?


So really, who are the better people of this topic? It’s funny to hear people talk about woman’s rights and black rights and equal rights for everyone, but when they are asked if a man should be able to marry a man or a woman to marry a woman they are quick to jump on the whole “it’s not right” excuse. What is wrong with people today? Is our society so far behind the evolutionary curve? Here is the list of countries that allow same sex marriage: Netherlands      Belgium        Spain Canada            South            Africa Norway Sweden            Portugal        Iceland Argentina         Denmark       Brazil France             Uruguay        New Zealand United Kingdom    Luxembourg    Ireland All these countries have made it legal for same sex couples to be married. Yet, AMERICA, land of the FREE is still fighting for it? Come the hell on people. When are we going to wake up and realize that a person is a person regardless of their gender, age, color, religion, political views, sexual orientation or social standing?


Please feel free to like, share or comment below! Thanks for reading this! BELLI OUT!


images DISCLAIMER: First off, some of you may be offended or may get upset with me after this. I am okay with that. Second, I do not filter my words, so expect some bad and offensive language. Third, I am in no way racist, prejudice or hold any negative feelings to any one group of people. I simply have an opinion and I want to share it! ________________________________________ Now that the air is clear and hopefully only the mature and opinionated are still reading! Where should I begin? Let’s start with this, I am, as I am sure the whole country, knows that there is racism in our country and our lives. I also understand the Confederate Flag or Rebel Flag is also associated with racism. I understand calling someone of black or brown color a Nigger is racist. I understand that walking around with a Swastika is also considered racism. Okay, now i have established some of the things I know and understand that are racist. Now, my questions for anyone who dares to read this, When did the Confederate Flag become a symbol of racism? When did the Swastika become a symbol of racism? I won’t argue with the word Nigger, that word is something I don’t enjoy hearing nor do I say it in a manner that would be considered derogatory. However, when did it become okay for rappers and “gangsters” okay to use the word Nigga? Or even better, when did it become okay, or not racist, for a person not of white color to call a white person a cracker or honky? While you think on those questions I will try to educate a few of you on the history of some of these things. First is a hot topic in the south and in America right now. The Confederate Flag! Did anyone know that the Confederate Flag was put into a vote to make it our Nations Flag? Obviously it didn’t win that contest. Instead it was adopted by the Army of Northern Virginia as their battle flag. Wait a second, did I just say Northern Virginia? I did, and did you know that the Army of Northern Virginia was commanded by General Robert E. Lee? If you did, then you also may know that Gen. Lee was very opposed to slavery.

… In this enlightened age, there are few I believe, but what will acknowledge, that slavery as an institution, is a moral & political evil in any Country. It is useless to expatiate on its disadvantages. I think it however a greater evil to the white man than to the black race, & while my feelings are strongly enlisted in behalf of the latter, my sympathies are more strong for the former. The blacks are immeasurably better off here than in Africa, morally, socially & physically. The painful discipline they are undergoing, is necessary for their instruction as a race, & I hope will prepare & lead them to better things. How long their subjugation may be necessary is known & ordered by a wise Merciful Providence. —Robert E. Lee, to Mary Anna Lee, December 27, 1856

This was taken from a letter Gen. Lee wrote to his wife during one of his many battles. The “wise Merciful Providence” he mentions is God. So I ask again, why is the Confederate Flag a symbol of racism rather than something in history? Did you know the KKK also marched carrying the American Flag? Should we petition to have that removed because it is racist? What about the monuments and statues people who owned slaves? For instance, George Washington was a slave owner almost all of his life. Thomas Jefferson was also a slave owner. So, do we start uproar over them? What if I went out to say that Martin Luther King Jr. was a Militia leader, leading marches against police and people in leadership communities? If I did that I would be on Fox News because I was a racist.


Pull your damn heads out of your asses!!! While you were all so busy worried about a damn flag being flown, did you know that congress passed something that allowed the POTUS (President of the United States) to change the policy on how we as a country deal with negotiating with terrorist? Open your damn eyes! The problem should not lie with one person or one group of people. AMERICA as a whole needs to wake the fuck up and realize that if we want racism to go away we NEED TO COME TOGETHER and not continue to fight amongst ourselves over petty things such as a flag. Now I have noticed the reincarnation of the “Black Panthers”. WTF!!!! If you want to talk about hypocrisy, let us begin with them! They are a group of all Black Americans who walk the streets armed to the teeth and demand the end of prejudice towards black people. YET they are using the same breath to incite other Black Americans to KILL the children of the slave owners! So, what I understand from them is that they don’t want to be prejudged, but they are allowed to go around and prejudge others? Stop being such a group of idiotic sheep and learn to lead a revolution that will involve helping PEOPLE!!! WHITE BLACK PURPLE ORANGE RED YELLOW!!! Why should it matter? If you want equality in the country then maybe you should act with the same kind of ethics you want others to have!


We should stop calling them the Black Panthers and start calling them a militia! If you look into their history, it is filled with nothing but violence and killings! One of the two founders was in prisoner not once, not twice, not three times but something like 5 or 6 times for violent crimes to include murder. You call yourselves activist, but yet you only bring hate and all you wish for is violence. An activist is someone or group of someones who are trying to promote or invoke better for an overall group. THE BLACK PANTHERS ARE NOT THAT!

I will leave you with this!

First of all, I appreciate anyone who took the time to read this. It means a lot that you would take the time out of your day. Secondly, I do not sympathize with anyone or any group that shows violence towards another. I DON’T GIVE A SHIT what the color of your skin is or what you’re fighting for. If you wish ill on someone else then you are a low piece of shit in my books! For those who are trying to make a positive change in this country or world, I salute you and I stand behind you!



Hello world!

HELLO HELLO HELLO!!! Welcome to my first of hopefully many blogs! First let me intro myself, so that you may have an idea of who writes these things…

First: My name is Michael and everyone I know either calls me Mike or Belli (a nickname I got in the Marines). I am 32, a veteran, a husband, a father and very outspoken on my beliefs. I enjoy a lot of things from video games to riding my motorcycle to just relaxing and snuggling with my daughter. I currently work as a Government contract for the U.S.A.F. in Florida. I was born and raised in southern Cali, moved to Arizona where i graduated high school and then joined the Marines. I spent 12 years in the Marines working on airplanes. i worked on the AV8BB Harrier and the F-35. I completed five deployments over seas in support of different operations to include OIF. I have traveled all over the world and have experienced so many things.

In these blogs I plan on sharing some of the things I have experienced, will experience and hope to never experience. I will also touch on some sensitive subjects and some not so sensitive. I may or may not offend people. My language my get racy and I may not be grammatically correct. So if you are going to read these and nit pick and not add any constructiveness to these blogs please refrain and let those who want to read to enjoy do so.

My hopes are that I will be able to have constructive talks with like minded and not so like minded people who enjoy a little arguing and debating on many different topics. I also hope to be able to enlighten some people on a few things. I look forward to this and hope I can get a healthy following!